My debt

There is a passage in Acts where Peter, shortly after the ressurection of Christ, tells the good news of the gospel to a crowd of people. They suddenly realize that they've crucified the Son of God, and the scripture says,

"When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, 'Brothers, what shall we do?'"

Peter replies with "Repent and be baptized every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children, and for all who are far off-- for all whom the Lord our God will call."

This was a call I answered one Sunday morning in February 1992, after almost two decades of self-declared atheism. I am grateful for the gift of salvation that has been offered to me.

I do struggle, however, with reclaiming that sense of gratitude, and recognizing my ongoing need for God. I tend to be fairly logic-driven and unemotional, and I am not often "cut to the heart." When it does happen, though, I've made a habit of writing down a reminder of my shortcomings, that I may revisit it in my prideful moments. I actually keep it in my Blackberry that I may refer to my debt (logically). A good friend asked me to post it:

Without Jesus, I am:

quick to anger, prone to rage, harsh, hurtful, unkind, judgmental, prone to curse others, self-serving, jealous, headstrong, unforgiving, critical, confrontational, an instigator of conflict, exasperating, impatient, ashamed, guilty, arrogant, proud, condemning, and condemned.

With Jesus, I am:

forgiven, beautiful, a daughter of the king, loving, worthy of love, patient, kind, a servant to others, humble, clean, new, equipped, filled with joy, at peace, and ready for departure.

I only hope those who know me will see less of me and more of the reflection of God and His Son.

Something worth fighting for

"There's a storm comin' Harry, and we best be ready when she does."

--Rubeus Hagrid to Harry Potter, The Order of the Phoenix

The family and I have been catching up our Harry Potter moviewatching, in eager anticipation of the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince this week. [Shameless plug, I know.]

Harry Potter is one of those film series that stirs up controversy in church circles. I am not quite certain why. I, for one, am a rabid fan. I plan to see Half-Blood Prince in the theater, and will savor every minute.

Mind you, I do not intend to attempt witchcraft, sorcery, or magic spells (nor do I believe in any such thing). Power that is not from God is usually from man (which is not truly power at all). Instead, when I watch the Harry Potter films, I identify with distinctly-Christian themes. Harry the not-so-young-anymore orphan, is isolated, troubled, and persecuted, and yet, finds mentors, family, friendship, and purpose, often in the most unusual circumstances.

Fans have witnessed Harry's character development from The Sorcerer's Stone (The Philosopher's Stone, for all you Brits out there) to The Order of the Phoenix. The blooms of innocence and wonderment have faded, and true character has begun to grow. Harry embraces outcasts, appreciating the true beauty that lies beneath a battered exterior or an eccentric reputation. He endures torture without complaint. He wrestles with expelling evil from his own mind and soul. He is willing to sacrifice himself for what he knows is right. He shows great respect for authority figures, at least those who are deserving of it. He resists fascism, questions the power-hungry, and seeks justice with an attitude of defense. He is not overtly vengeful to his enemies, sparing the life of a murderer, although he hates and pities the Dark Lord, the personification of evil.

Above all, I admire the tender fellowship that exists between Harry and his fellow Gryffindor classmates (much like Jesus' Twelve apostles), and Ron and Hermione truly represent Harry's 'inner Three'. Harry is shown loyalty, protection, and love by his friends and his professors alike. Sounds like the church. [OK, now I'm certain to be disfellowshipped...equating Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with the Church.]

Obviously, as an adult, I am able to grasp the analogy and symbolism, but I've heard others raise concern about the impact Harry Potter might have on a juvenile audience. My nearly-7 year-old daughter understands the concepts of good and evil, death and life, justice, and perseverence, and we've allowed her a glimpse into the 'PG' world of the early HP movies. (Some of the more disturbing images of the latter 'PG-13' movies may need to wait a few years.) She recognizes that magic is not real, and played with a "magic wand" more readily after watching Cinderella than she did after the Harry Potter movies. When the time is right, I will offer my children the opportunity to watch this epic unfold. These stories reinforce many Biblical Christian attributes. I hope that my children can take their own misfortunes and create triumph, and stand up for what is right, while hating that which is evil and embracing the outcast.

It is all about perspective: one can look up at the night sky and see the majestic and glorious creation of God, or alternatively, bow to powerless nonsense in the name of astrology and superstition. When I look at the Harry Potter series, I do not see a dark magic that threatens to usurp the power of God over his creation. Instead, I am stirred at fellowship, humanity, love, family, and "something worth fighting for".

Truly the storm for Harry has only begun. I can't wait to watch it roll in.

Efficiency

I truly admire efficiency.

I'm not talking about miles per gallon, energy ratings or carbon footprints, or anything green or earth-friendly. I'm talking about the ability to complete a task in record time; minimizing waste. In physics, efficiency is defined as "useful work per unit of energy." I smile at that.

Honestly, I don't just admire efficiency, it is a personal mantra; I seek it out.

For example: I consider EVERY Walmart trip an experiment in efficiency. List in hand, I analytically map out my path through the store in logical order, as if guided by Garmin. I whiz through the aisles, well-versed in the fastest, least-travelled routes, so as to avoid the lollygaggers and the indecisive, loitering in the aisles. I even go so far as to LOOK DOWN on the inefficient. "Silly slow people. Honestly, how do they get anything done in a day?" I mutter to myself.

At our trip to Disneyworld years ago, we traversed the parks in clockwise fashion, as most Americans tend toward a counter-clockwise approach. I load the dishwasher while I cook (the cooking suffers, I admit). I have finely honed the ability to speak at break-tongue speed, so as to dictate my clinic notes in rapid auctioneer fashion. I even figured out how to simultaneously use the Medela double breast pump and apply makeup, one-handed and without a mirror (yes, eyeliner, by feel).

I do recognize that there are significant drawbacks to seeking efficiency:

1) the careless error-- I remember thinking about this blog topic while in the shower one morning, proverbially patting myself on the back for fine-tuning my future composition: I shower; I blog, ha HA! The shower is admittedly a common location for my habit of multitasking. I like to wash my face while the conditioner ages on my hair, like fine wine. This particular morning, whilst mentally composing this very blog, I completely lost track of my sequence and accidentally shampooed with my Neutrogena anti-blemish anti-wrinkle face wash. Nice.

2) clumsiness-- when one walks at TOP speed everywhere, there are bound to be a few stumbles (See asterisk, below).

3) annoying others-- perhaps you are in this category; if so, I do apologize. When one is intently focused on his/her ability to compete a task in record time, one tends to ignore, disregard, or dismiss others.

Bordering on pathology, huh? Manic? Selfish? Funny thing is, no one gives out any medals for efficiency: "most streamlined" is no senior superlative. (*I actually was awarded "most uncoordinated" among my own senior class.)

The sad thing is that this world indirectly rewards this behavior. The expiditious are more productive at work, and, consequently, earn more. Completing more tasks results in promotion: further monetary reinforcement. Then again, getting more work done in less time results in more home, personal, and family time. There are some honest benefits.

I must admit that I truly enjoy a hectic work schedule. I get a rush from feeling pressured, raced, and well...rushed. Adrenaline. Energy. Rhythm. Drive. Determination. Ambition. Focus. (Now I sound like one of those cheesy "teamwork" business posters with the skydivers.)

I am realizing that efficiency is a deeply-ingrained, distinctly worldly concept, and that there is ABSOLUTELY no Biblical foundation for it. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, self-control, efficiency, right? WRONG. The Bible does warn against idleness, but it does not praise efficiency.

In fact, consideration for others may stand in direct contradiction, and I find myself wrestling with my calling to serve others, and my need to be as efficient as possible. As a physician, I've learned that maintaining frequent eye contact with my patients goes a long way, while my hands perform physical exam and testing procedures as if on autopilot. Personal and efficient? Maybe. I also consider it a personal achievement if I can hit 5th gear on 5th Avenue en route to work, but when I pass the elderly walkers on the sidewalks at the nearby Village independent living facility, I downshift and "drive neighborly" until I round the corner. Out of courtesy, I wouldn't want to disrespect or upset my elders. Despite this, I sometimes wonder if I am the 'bad Samaritan.' Am I the one crossing the street to avoid the slow-downs, the diversions, the needy? Or perhaps efficiency affords more opportunity for good? Time will tell...but only if I use it wisely.

Profanity

This last week, I've reached completely new levels of cruelty with my kids.

Let me be perfectly honest: I have a growing parent-monster, fed by a multitude of behaviors: yelling, verbally attacking, and tearing down. I have an overall lack of compassion, often conveyed to my daughters that they need to "buck up". At times, I also have little restraint, as if thoughts take the red-line straight to my tongue and lips, and the words are out there, like a derailed train.

I entered into a new arena this day. I actually swore at my own child. In the wake of a wonderful vacation (with alot of freedoms) last week, our family was returning home. As is typical after a family vacation, we were redefining boundaries and re-drawing the line in the sand for our kids. As is typical for kids, the line was crossed. ALOT. Head to head we went, and, unfortunately for me and my oldest, I have a will and determination that is not bested by much of anyone, except those who inherited it from me. (I have been fairly accurately identified in the TRAPT song "Headstrong"). Granted, these are tendencies which I seek to suppress, ignore, or overcome. Suffice it to say that self-control and gentleness are not in-season fruits on my spiritual tree.

It was the "H" word. It occurred after several run-ins with my oldest (there had already been much yelling, followed by much whining and crying). We made a pit stop en route home from our vacation, and we happened by a Build-A-Bear. This particular child is infatuated with Build-A-Bear. Sadly, we almost always say "no." This time, however, she had the audacity to ASK us to stop, despite the black clouds already circling in the car. My response was not a calm, "No, we will not stop because your behavior has been unacceptable." I instead replied with a fiery "H*LL NO!" Now, I admit I've cursed under my breath at/about my kids. I've also cursed about them to my spouse, not in their presence. This, however, was sheer face-to-face profanity.

She seems to behave so well for teachers, babysitters, and grandparents. I accused her of treating me worse than any other person (aptly quoting the "honor thy mother and father", which I am learning, does not work well in our family). After the blowup, in the silence I got to thinking and realized that I treat HER worse than anyone else. I cannot remember the last time I blew up at anyone at church, and can think of only one example at work (which suitably did not involve profanity).

I am convicted. I did apologize to the kids, and they forgave me. I am thankful for the grace that covers me. I seek to be obedient and be a reflection of the character of Jesus, but I am certain this will not be my last offense. I pray that God will plant gentleness and self control in the garden of my life.

The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire. --James 3:5-6

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." --Ephesians 4:29