Let me be perfectly honest: I have a growing parent-monster, fed by a multitude of behaviors: yelling, verbally attacking, and tearing down. I have an overall lack of compassion, often conveyed to my daughters that they need to "buck up". At times, I also have little restraint, as if thoughts take the red-line straight to my tongue and lips, and the words are out there, like a derailed train.
I entered into a new arena this day. I actually swore at my own child. In the wake of a wonderful vacation (with alot of freedoms) last week, our family was returning home. As is typical after a family vacation, we were redefining boundaries and re-drawing the line in the sand for our kids. As is typical for kids, the line was crossed. ALOT. Head to head we went, and, unfortunately for me and my oldest, I have a will and determination that is not bested by much of anyone, except those who inherited it from me. (I have been fairly accurately identified in the TRAPT song "Headstrong"). Granted, these are tendencies which I seek to suppress, ignore, or overcome. Suffice it to say that self-control and gentleness are not in-season fruits on my spiritual tree.
It was the "H" word. It occurred after several run-ins with my oldest (there had already been much yelling, followed by much whining and crying). We made a pit stop en route home from our vacation, and we happened by a Build-A-Bear. This particular child is infatuated with Build-A-Bear. Sadly, we almost always say "no." This time, however, she had the audacity to ASK us to stop, despite the black clouds already circling in the car. My response was not a calm, "No, we will not stop because your behavior has been unacceptable." I instead replied with a fiery "H*LL NO!" Now, I admit I've cursed under my breath at/about my kids. I've also cursed about them to my spouse, not in their presence. This, however, was sheer face-to-face profanity.
She seems to behave so well for teachers, babysitters, and grandparents. I accused her of treating me worse than any other person (aptly quoting the "honor thy mother and father", which I am learning, does not work well in our family). After the blowup, in the silence I got to thinking and realized that I treat HER worse than anyone else. I cannot remember the last time I blew up at anyone at church, and can think of only one example at work (which suitably did not involve profanity).
I am convicted. I did apologize to the kids, and they forgave me. I am thankful for the grace that covers me. I seek to be obedient and be a reflection of the character of Jesus, but I am certain this will not be my last offense. I pray that God will plant gentleness and self control in the garden of my life.
The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire. --James 3:5-6
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." --Ephesians 4:29
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